Passion Fruit
Monday, June 09, 2008
The other day I realized something. I realized what is missing from my life. Passion. I used to be passion about lots of things. And I thought maybe I was stretching myself too thin. I was passionate about what I do at work, and I even did it at home and earned extra income. I was passionate about photography, so I took lots of photos and uploaded them to my web site regularly. I was passionate about my web site, so I kept it fresh and active. I was passionate about video games so I played them and bought new ones and showed them to people when they visited. I was passionate about building computers, so I upgraded mine and built and upgraded them for friends and family.
I don't feel passionate about those things any more. I enjoy watching movies and reruns of Scrubs, but it's just something to pass the time when I get home, because I'm not motivated to do anything. I'm rather behind on a freelance project because I don't feel this desire to do it and do it well and do it fast.
Well, I have to get some work done so this is going to be a short entry.
Always Working For The Future
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Last week, in preparation for my second and final roommate, I moved everything out of the third bedroom that had been used as an office and guest bedroom. In general, it felt like a productive week, though I definitely fell behind on freelance. One of the things I did was finally make use of a computer part bought about six months ago, and I set up my computer in my bedroom. It had been used very sparingly, replaced by a more convenient laptop which could be used in the less remote feeling living room or bedroom. But with the computer running more quietly and well within reach, I began to use it again. And it was kind of intoxicating. I stayed up late several nights since then, often just bouncing around the web, finding ways to make the most of two 22" screens, or listening to music on the 400 Watt speakers. All of this in what may be the eighth or ninth week since I stopped going to the gym. My energy levels are plummeting and I haven't been able to think clearly or find motivation at work.
I have my contact case with me today, and I'm going to the gym in a short while. I plan to run for a while, and then I might lift some weights, too. I don't want to go overboard, because I want the experience to be positive, encouraging me to continue to go regularly for the remaining few evenings I have this week before going on a three day road trip that will separate me from the gym. I should get quantifiable amounts of freelance done, too, since I'll also be on a camp site, unable to get any work accomplished.
I'm really hoping I get back into the habit of visiting the gym. While I'm pretty sure my previous stint robbed me of muscle since I did so much running and so little lifting, the exercise is still quite a positive part of my life. I have stress that needs relieving, metabolism that needs increasing and unnecessary fat that needs burning. My mind needs cleared and my energy levels need to be restored. And being single at twenty nine (shortly), my self esteem could use just a little boost from an improved body image.
The thing that's really worrying me is that I thought I might be in the beginning stages of a potentially special relationship, but the lack of energy and clarity may have put up a large roadblock that I'll now need to overcome just to resume forward progress. The timing isn't good, and the stress and worrying will only serve to be self-defeating.
I'll also hope that this road trip and mini-vacation serves well to help me relax and get back in the game.
Killing Time
Monday, May 19, 2008
I used to really like having people over. Lately every time I have visitors, I feel really awkward. It stresses me out, and I'm relieved when people leave. I don't seem to have the first clue about how to entertain any more. I am really frustrated by this.
I'm super tired today, and kind of depressed and grumpy. I have no motivation and I'm annoyed by just about everything. I'm lonely and I feel like an outcast. I don't remember the last time I had a close friend. When I go home, I will probably kill all kinds of time staring at the TV because I've become way too lazy to do chores or freelance or to go run errands or go to the gym. I haven't been to the gym in about five weeks.
I don't have any goals. The future is meaningless to me. My entire life has been reduced to killing time.
Pondering A Bathroom Remodel
Saturday, May 03, 2008
When I started house shopping, my ex and I decided we should make a wish list for what we want out of a first house, and just for something to think about, what we'd want out of a dream house (or at least a nice upgrade sometime down the line). We found a house that seemed to meet all of our first house requirements, but it wasn't built yet. We went for it, but before it was built, we split up. I really liked the plan for the house, so I was still going to buy it. But some other life plans sort of revolved around us staying together, like relying on her income and letting me build up my freelance income, or go back to school. So with that plan shelved, and my "temporary" full time job quickly growing on me, I decided to look for a house that was much closer. Within three days, I found a house online that I was interested in, went to see it, put an offer in, and it was accepted! I got my original deposit back and put a new one towards the house I found. A month later I closed on it, and after another month I moved in. I realized that it had almost everything on that original first home list (after the fact) but it was so close, I thought it a shame that the final item couldn't be crossed off the list. And that brings us to the point of this post.
The one item missing in this house is a bathroom with dual sinks. My ex and I came up with this item after knocking elbows with frustrating regularity in front of our single sink in our one bedroom one bathroom apartment. I think it's a real nice touch for another reason. When that ex first moved in with me, I was living in a different apartment, one where I had everything just where I wanted it. In the bathroom, I had things organized how I liked. Behind the three mirror panels, I separated items into categories. Yeah, I'm weird like that. So in addition to the dual sinks, I like dual mirror cabinets. Now what makes this master bathroom particularly disappointing to me is that it's the same size and layout as the other full bathroom. It seems like it should be bigger and better.
Now the walk-in master closet is adjacent to the bathroom, and I think it's plenty big. I'm not an expert (no matter how much HGTV I watch) but I think that in the price range of my house, buyers wouldn't expect the closet to be any bigger than it is, and would probably be OK even if it was a little smaller. Maybe people with shopping addictions would disagree. And the only way I could possibly add a second sink would be to expand that bathroom, shrink the closet, and rearrange the layout of the bathroom appliances. Sounds trivial right?
So I got to work, measuring everything, drawing some diagrams, and throwing around ideas for a bigger bathroom with dual sinks. I even got out some props to get an idea of how squeezed I might feel with certain distances between things like the bathtub and vanity. I came up with an arrangement that I really like, and it sure seems like it could really work. And unlike some of my original plans, it doesn't involve moving the doorway (or as I later realized, the heating and cooling vent.) But it does involve moving the toilet and tub, ditching the whole sink cabinet that exists now, building new recessed mirror cabinets and a whole new vanity. In fact, I wanted to think about all the steps it would take and all the things I'd have to buy, so I made some lists.
I haven't even started to put price tags on the supplies, not to mention estimate the time each task would take (especially if I try to do these things all myself) but it is clear to me that it isn't exactly trivial. At this point, I don't think I'm scared off of the project, but I do feel the need to go even further to plan and research. I'm really curious if this upgrade will have a positive effect on my home value. Personally, I'd rather have a larger master bathroom than closet, and I think girls put importance on the bathroom. But they value closet space as well. Perhaps what concerns me more is that I won't be able to "try it out" to make sure there really is enough space to move around. I'm somewhat tempted to tear apart some cardboard boxes and try to build a full scale model that I could walk around in. I'd also like to talk to some people who have done some of these things to get an idea of what costs were incurred, how long certain things took, and what surprises popped up along the way. I'm excited whether this project happens or not, because it's fun to research and learn and I love making technical diagrams.
Cure For Lethargy?
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
At work, the only thing keeping me going is that I've been put on some team projects, so I'm held accountable. In other words, when you're sitting next to someone, you're kind of forced to push through and get work done. Sitting alone in my cubicle, I can kill time, sometimes even closing my eyes and nodding off.
At home, TV continues to wreak havoc. Of course, that's just an excuse. An outlet. But I have so many things to do. I need to sharpen the mower blades and put thicker oil in, and then tackle my backyard jungle. I need to move furniture around. I need to brush Frodo, and I'm way overdue for vacuuming. And I should clean the kitchen and bathroom. And when is the last time I made a proper dinner or packed my lunch? And now I've got a freelance project to work on. I finally sent some invoices tonight. Some of those were probably six months overdue. And since I haven't properly tracked my time all those months, I probably charged way less than I could have. Oh yes, and I printed an amended tax return for this year, since freelances finally caught up to me in that area. But I have to actually send it in.
I'm gearing up for having a new roommate. Of course the old ones have only been gone about four days. But maybe having a new roommate will spur me to action. Or maybe I'll have some people over. That usually gets me to clean, even if some of that "cleaning" is "tidying" by piling stuff in some room I don't use much. I want to organize my basement workshop, with proper shelves and spaces for everything. And while I'm down there, I need to tear apart the failed home server and prepare that motherboard for RMA.
And all over the house, old mail has piled up, useless, but a part of me feels the need to go through it all before I toss it or shred it. Amid those messes of paper are other things set aside for later, all needing a proper place, more often than not in the trash. Even the recyclable basket is overflowing. I merely need to take it out and put a new bag in. But when will that happen? Even my living room has reached a record level of clutter. Blankets and clothes, electronics and books, magazines and mail... all just sitting on the coffee table and even the couch.
I never claimed to be clean, but for so long, I held on to believing that I was at least tidy. But now I'm overwhelmed with my failure to maintain a tidy place. Of course the negative thoughts of a defeatist will not do well for driving me to succeed and recover. I will do it. I don't yet know what the trigger will be, but I have a feeling it will come from within, and with every small success, I will be more motivated to continue onward and complete the tasks before me.